How Do I Forgive Someone Who Hurt Me?

In the Bible, forgiveness is pictured as canceling a debt. When someone wrongs you, they take something: your safety, your trust, your good name, your peace. In a sense they now owe you. Jesus taught us to pray, “And forgive us our debts, as we forgive our debtors” (Matthew 6:12, KJV). To forgive is to tear up the bill: to give up your right to make them pay, and to leave justice with God.

Christians forgive because they have been forgiven first:

Both verses use the same measure, “even as”: we forgive the way we were forgiven, freely and at a cost. Grace received becomes grace given (see Bible verses about grace). Paul puts forgiveness right after a list of what has to go: “Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice” (Ephesians 4:31, KJV). Forgiveness is how bitterness is put away.

Forgiving also means trusting God with justice: “Dearly beloved, avenge not yourselves, but rather give place unto wrath: for it is written, Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord” (Romans 12:19, KJV). You are not saying the wrong does not matter. You are saying it matters so much that you are handing it to the only Judge who can deal with it rightly.

Peter once asked Jesus how often he had to forgive. Seven times seemed generous.

Then Jesus told a story. A king forgave a servant who owed him ten thousand talents, a debt he could never repay. That same servant found a fellow servant who owed him “an hundred pence” (Matthew 18:28, KJV), about a hundred days' wages for a laborer (Matthew 20:2), took him by the throat and had him thrown into prison. When the king heard, he called the first servant back: “Shouldest not thou also have had compassion on thy fellowservant, even as I had pity on thee?” (Matthew 18:33, KJV).

The point is that forgiven people forgive. Jesus ends with a sobering line: the Father will deal the same way with us “if ye from your hearts forgive not every one his brother their trespasses” (Matthew 18:35, KJV). The servant in the story refused mercy outright after receiving so much of it. That is different from a wounded person who wants to forgive and is finding it hard. If that is you, this parable is not a threat aimed at you. It is a reminder of how much you have been given to give from.

And “seventy times seven” is not a number to count up to. It means you stop keeping score, including when the same old wound comes back in memory and has to be forgiven again.

It is not excusing. Forgiveness calls a wrong a wrong. You cannot forgive something you pretend did not happen. When Joseph forgave his brothers, he said plainly, “ye thought evil against me; but God meant it unto good” (Genesis 50:20, KJV). He named the evil and released it in the same breath.

It is not forgetting. When God says, “I will remember their sin no more” (Jeremiah 31:34, KJV), He does not lose His memory. He chooses not to hold it against us. You will probably remember what happened. Forgiveness changes what you do with the memory: you stop replaying it as a case against them.

It is not trusting again at once. Forgiveness is given; trust is rebuilt. Jesus said, “He that is faithful in that which is least is faithful also in much” (Luke 16:10, KJV). Trust grows that way, through small faithfulness over time. You can forgive someone today and still be careful with them for a long while.

It is not pretending you are not hurt. The Psalms let people say how much betrayal hurts: “For it was not an enemy that reproached me; then I could have borne it” (Psalm 55:12, KJV). Honest grief is part of the road to forgiveness, not a detour from it.

It is not staying in danger. This needs to be said clearly: forgiving someone who abuses you does not mean staying near them, keeping quiet, or giving up the protection of the law. David did not stay within reach of Saul's spear; he “fled, and escaped that night” (1 Samuel 19:10, KJV). When Paul's life was threatened, the disciples let him down the city wall in a basket (Acts 9:25). “A prudent man foreseeth the evil, and hideth himself” (Proverbs 22:3, KJV). And Scripture calls the ruling authority God's servant “to execute wrath upon him that doeth evil” (Romans 13:4, KJV), so reporting a crime is not revenge. You can forgive from a safe distance.

No, and much of the pain around forgiveness comes from treating three different things as one. Forgiveness is your part. Reconciliation needs two people. Trust has to be earned back.

God commands the first. He hopes for the second and tells us to work toward it: “If it be possible, as much as lieth in you, live peaceably with all men” (Romans 12:18, KJV). Notice the two conditions. “If it be possible” admits that sometimes it is not, and “as much as lieth in you” admits that you control only your half. Jesus also links a restored relationship with repentance: “If thy brother trespass against thee, rebuke him; and if he repent, forgive him” (Luke 17:3, KJV).

Trust is the slowest of the three, and the Bible does not ask you to hand it over on demand. A parent can forgive a teenager who stole and still not leave a wallet lying around for a while. A husband or wife can forgive an affair and still need time, openness and counseling before trust returns. A church can forgive a leader who abused power and still remove that person from leadership. None of that is unforgiveness. It is wisdom.

Christians answer this in two ways, and both take Scripture seriously.

Some teach that forgiveness in the full sense waits for repentance. Jesus said, “if he repent, forgive him” (Luke 17:3, KJV), and God forgives those who confess their sins (1 John 1:9). In this view you must still let go of bitterness and revenge now, and be ready to forgive the moment the person turns, but the relationship is not restored while they deny the wrong.

Others teach that you forgive from the heart whether or not they ever apologize. Jesus said, “when ye stand praying, forgive, if ye have ought against any” (Mark 11:25, KJV), with no condition attached. On the cross He prayed for the men crucifying Him: “Father, forgive them; for they know not what they do” (Luke 23:34, KJV).

The two views are closer than they sound. Both say: do not take revenge, do not let a “root of bitterness” (Hebrews 12:15, KJV) take hold, pray for the person, and leave the door open. Neither says you must pretend the relationship is fine while the person keeps hurting you.

This is one of the most common experiences and one of the least talked about. You decide to forgive, you pray, and a week later the anger is back. That does not mean your forgiveness was fake.

Feelings lag behind decisions. Forgiveness is first a choice of the will. Emotions often take months, sometimes years, to catch up. Each time the memory returns, you can choose again: “I have released this to God.” That is what seventy times seven looks like in real life.

Anger is not the same as unforgiveness. “Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath” (Ephesians 4:26, KJV). Anger at a real wrong is not sin. The danger is letting it settle into bitterness and plans for payback.

God heals what you cannot. “He healeth the broken in heart, and bindeth up their wounds” (Psalm 147:3, KJV). Forgiving is something you do; healing is something God does, often slowly.

Watch for small signs. You may notice that you no longer rehearse the argument in your head, that you can hear their name without your chest tightening, or that you can honestly wish them well. Those are fruits of forgiveness, even if the old feelings still visit.

When the apostles heard how often Jesus expected them to forgive, they said, “Increase our faith” (Luke 17:5, KJV). That is a good prayer for this moment too. If you want words to pray, these prayers for forgiveness can help, and these Bible verses about forgiveness are good to keep close. In Faithero you can also ask the Bible Guide to help you pray about it; it answers in a few sentences and names the verses it draws on.